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Here's my dilemma. Today was communion at church. This involves eating a wafer and drinking some grape juice to represent the body and blood of Christ. One must have the right frame of mind when taking communion. That frame of mind consists of no hidden or unconfessed sin and thankfulness for the gift of salvation that Jesus gave to each and everyone of us. I try to be in that frame of mind whenever I take communion.

On those days when I know that I am struggling with a sin issue, usually a forgiveness thing where I am struggling to forgive someone a hurt they caused me or my family, I won't take the elements. I let them pass by and I take it to God in prayer asking Him to help me forgive and ask Him to forgive my stubborness.

This morning I ran into something a little different. I haven't told very many people about the 'diet' I am on. People know from my ticker at the top of my blog that I am losing weight but they don't know the reasons how and why.

Let me spills my guts here. I am 45 years old. A wife to my best friend and a mom to two wonderful children. I am also incredibly out of shape. I've allowed the last 15 years of my life to go by taking care of my family and forgetting about myself. I've allowed the pounds to pile on, the physical activity to fall by the wayside and my time with God hasn't been all what it should be. I keep making the excuses that I am too busy or I'm too tired. I want to watch my children grow up, marry and have children of their own one day. Being an older mom to young children, I am already older than most of the other moms in my church. On the path I was going, I could die from a heart attack or stroke anyday.

There is no excuse.

So, I made a commitment to myself, my family and my God to take better care of myself. I have removed all white food products and sugar out of my diet. I am trying an experiment to see if gluten could be a cause of some of my health issues and general brain fogginess.

I have eaten nothing with wheat or gluten in it for 4 weeks. I have eaten no sugar in any form for 4 weeks. I have lost 12 pounds as a result. I have not picked up my exercise too much yet, although I intend to relearn how to skate so I can skate with my kids for 4 hours every week.

So back to the reason for my post. After accepting the elements this morning during communion it suddenly occurred to me that in each hand I held something that had each of the two items I have been avoiding for 4 weeks...gluten in my right hand and sugar in my left. I was shocked but even more shocked at my train of thought. All I could see was gluten and sugar, NOT the blood and body of Christ. I'd lost my focus on Jesus. My focus suddenly was on me and my weight.

I could have just put them down, prayed and left it at that. Instead I panicked, asking Jay what to do. I love my husband and I know he understands my issues so when he told me to take them "in faith" I know he meant the best. Another friend told me it wouldn't affect anything.

I realize that to most people this is a no brainer. Take the elements "in faith" and be obedient. Or put the elements aside and leave it.

I didn't do either. I took the elements. As I put that wafer in my mouth I started crying feeling that I was betraying both myself and God. I'd promised to be good and not eat this stuff, and I'd promised God that I would never take this very special ceremony without the right frame of mind, proper repentance and thankfulness. I'd bowed to self imposed pressure feeling that my husband and friend wouldn't understand why I didn't take them.

Another friend said afterward to just ask forgiveness and move on. I have always been the type for self flagellation, except since I can't handle physical pain, I impose all sorts of mental pain upon myself. A sin. Self-pity, self-indulgence.

This is my blog and I've always been honest about my feelings on here. It's the one place I go to write out my thoughts and feelings. These are my feelings. I make no apologies for this post, I ask for no answers or opinions here. I am just writing for the sake of purging these feelings. I have to deal with these feelings and spend some time with God in order to understand why I have them and ask forgiveness for them as well.

That is all.